#my brain hurts so many i cant think but im full of love

[castielafflicted]

my migraine is so very vad my brain is noy working pls understand how much i love that i started watching supernatural because of the fandom. i love that i made this blog. in like a few hours itll have been 6 months to the daya nd ive never had more fun in fandom. i love most of u. i love my mutuals. i lvoe most of my followers. some of u im neutral about. sorry. i love the spn ppl i follow that will never see this.

i loce you fanfics i love you gifs i love u fanart i love you everything all the creations. i love youw rititng supernatraul fanfic. i love you fandom that made me start writing poetry again. i am so fullcof love for the thing that brought me so much joy.

i love you

[sorencd]

hey hannah! hope you're well <3 could you write about having a study session with charlie dalton? im studying rn and i cant stop thinking about him lol

LOVING IS EASY

pairing: charlie dalton x reader

word count: 0.7k

a/n: hii anon! here u go :) GOOD LUCK WITH UR STUDYING BBY MWAMWAS

masterlist

charlie knows where the extent of his intelligence is. he wasn't as much of a genius as meeks but he wasn't dumb either. he only felt the need to study when it was really necessary. mostly, he'd rather spend his time with you, the other poets, or playing the saxophone.

when he met you though, he's come to love studying more and more. he loves lying on your carpet on the ground beside you with a bunch of textbooks sprawled out in front of you. he adored the little snacks your mom would bring in the middle of your studying with a grin on her face, saying you'll accomplish more with a full stomach. he always liked staying at your place more than his. besides, your dad's starting to like him.

sometimes, when you’re helping him find the answer to a seemingly impossible maths problem that’s stumping the both of you, he'd opt to stare at you instead of focusing on the task at hand. he’d watch you chew on your pen, angrily ramble about how it all makes no sense, scribble formulas that he’s sure aren’t the right ones, and listen to how pretty your voice sounds. he’d ease his cheeks into his arms that were crossed on the floor and nod his head to everything you’d say, occasionally flipping the pages to put on the guise of knowing what you’re talking about. he knows by the end of the day, he’ll distract you and avoid you two from achieving anything.

while you were busy marking your latin notes to their respective places, and to give charlie an easier time reading it all when he needs to, you heard a soft thump! to your right. charlie, whom you thought was also doing the same thing you were, at least was doing the same thing, had now decided to slump further onto the carpet. ‘that’s gotta hurt.’ you wondered, slightly wincing before poking his cheek. his brain was getting fried from all this studying.

“i don’t understand how this could possibly be used in the future. when will i ever say ‘quid est tempestas hodie?’” he whined. you do have to agree, when will you use latin? you shrugged and just guessed it would come in handy one day.

“don’t be like that! latin is fun! imagine how many swear words you could say and no one outside of welton would understand you.”

“then what’s the point? most of the people i want to say ‘stercore manducare’ to is from hellton.” 

“it can’t be that bad!”

“enroll and find out then, it’ll make me very happy if you do that.” he batted his eyelashes and puckered his lips, his face contorted into a silly expression, making smooching sounds to your dismay.

you giggled and pushed him away in a joking matter, “stop, you’re making me lose focus!”

charlie feigned hurt as he let out a huff, turning to lie on his back and raised a hand to his forehead. “the world is treating me bad, misery! my darling has finally cracked and can now ignore the un-ignorable me!” it was like he was reciting a poem. it always made you laugh whenever he did that. his sudden outbursts of poetical literacy always successfully being able to lift up your spirits.

“i’m getting sick of the floor, let’s study in bed instead! it’ll help us think better.” he cheekily proclaims, trying his best to persuade you. it didn’t take much convincing for him to get you to do anything. how could you ever pass up any opportunity with charlie? so inevitably, you would give in and you’d end up in bed, supposedly studying with a textbook in between your blanket covered legs. you could already see yourself waking up only to realise that you fell asleep. with charlie spooning you and your notes haphazardly scattered onto the floor.

you continued jotting down useful information both you and charlie could use when examination arrives, and he continued admiring you trying to write down on an uneven surface. it didn’t take long for charlie to realise that in every version he imagined himself as, he saw you in each one. he loved being nuwanda with you. because with you, loving is easy.

© sorencd . 2023 ─ do not copy, repost, translate or claim any of my works as your own.

[jorisjurgen]

If you hadn't read it, It's about joris going through 50 layers of hell and mostly not improving.

I will be sitting here, mumbling "Joris has nobody in the world except for Kerubim and Atcham. He has no support system. He has learned how to live alone only because it applies to having to travel. Nobody likes him and he likes nobody. Atcham and Kerubim are all he has." And start rocking in place to soothe myself or whatever.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

MAC. OH MY GOD. HEAD IN HANDS. HOLY SHIT. ashe is in college (normal college i think??) VYCNENT IS IN SUPERHERO COLLEGE!!!! wiwi fucking around in the woods..... dakota also in college i think??? idk that wasn't super clear 2 me but i think he's there IDK I WAS JUST SO EXCITED FOR ALL OF THEM TO BE LIKE. EXISTING IN THE SAME PLACE!!!! ashe oughhh ashe i missed u ashe <3 i like to think he still has the trickster's wings. thats canon 2 me idc. oh my godd they're doing like. relatively normal shit!!!!!! aaaa!!!! oh i need 2 write a fic about them in college. i got 2. i MUST. even just a oneshot idc i wanna do it!!!

THE IRL MARIOKART AGAIN!!!! LE FROG!!! WILLIAM'S FUNERAL!!!! THE SILLIES ARE BACK!!!!!!!! SHENANIGANS!!!! oh that was so good. that was SO GOOD!!!!! oh im going 2 cry. i didn't cry and then it got to dakota with his aunt and i teared up a lil and then it had william falling off the cliff and landin gin the dirt and just. holding the soil in his hands and feeling it and i actually cried a lil. man. also CANTRIP IS NOT IN THE SPIRIT WORLD!!! WHERE IS SHE!!! DOES THIS MEAN SHE'S ALIVE OR IS SHE A GHOST I DON'T KNOWWWW GOD I WANT 2 KNOW. I WANT 2!!!! and atlas being killed. an X being carved into him. XAVIER VILLAIN ARC????? 👀👀👀👀 PERHAPS??? god i hope so. i would love to see him as a villain. i rly like xavier actually and i think he deserves to go a little apeshit <3 SO EXCITED FOR WHATEVER THE FUCK IS GONNA HAPPEN WITH MAL!!! GUY WAS ALREADY FUCKED UP AND NOW HE'S EVEN MORE UNHINGED!!!!! i like mal a lot. he fucking sucks. terrible horrible awful little man. i love him so much he's such a cool fucking character i want to throw him out a window <3 idiot shit bastard man!!!!!! and william asking vyncent if he would come to ghim funeral. bro was like THIS CLOSE 2 asking him out. i am telling u. and btw william's fucking "vyncent did you realize anything while i was gone?" right ebfore vyncent just passes tf out in ep39 was so fucking. yeah. that's ghostknife!!!!!!! it always almost happens and then it fucking doesn't!!! i love that for them i hope they're ten times as gay and awkward in s3 <3

GOD. that was so good. finales always fuck me up dude. im so fucking emotional. i feel like my entire being is vibrating like a lightning rod or some shit. ALSO u gotta send me more trivia abt the episodes!!! i think the last one u sent me was for episode 15 of s2. GOD PLS SEND ME GREYSCALE AND DEADWOOD TRIVIA!!!!!! I WANT IT!!!!! I WANT 2 KNOW WHAT THE HELL CHARLIE WAS THINKING DURING GREYSCALE. WHAT WERE UR THOUGHTS KING!!! TELL ME MR SLMCL!!!!!!!!

man. im gonna listen 2 bitb next but i feel like i gotta take a few days first yk??? i gotta let that shit sink in. i hope ur havin a good time reading worm <3 i wil start worm soon!! i just wanna get thru jrwi first bc if i try to get into more than one thing at a time that i know will inhabit my entire brain i feel like my brain is melting. too many blorbo thoughts i gotta stick to one thing first. anyway yeah that was. fucking wild <3 ty for getting me into jrwi i regret nothing

HIIIIIIIIIII WHISKEY. SORRY I LET THIS SIT IN MY INBOX FOR SO LONG I LOVE YOU.AUGH. PRIME DEFENDERS MY LOVE. every day i think about yakko showing up in cosplay . that made me so happy. ashe winters i love you so dearly. i have so many thoughts about post s2 ashe. if ashe isnt in s3 im going to fucking riot.

when i tell you that fucking part with the cliff made me UGLY CRY . like full on. "and you stay there" lives in my head forever.

EXTREMELY EXCITED ABOUT A POSSIBLE XAVIER VILLAIN ARC. LIKE. THATS GOTTA BE HIM RIGHT. THAT CANT NOT BE HIM. i wonder if allen is with him. fuck. AND WHERES CANTRIP. GOD. i miss her :( i think she deserves to go full vengeful spirit on williams ass and haunt him like a fucking poltergeist. god forbid women do anything.

dude finales fuck me up so bad too. god. 39 hurts me just a little bit more than 40 but 40 is still SOOOO insanely good to me. 40 was like the breath of fresh air we needed. i dont think 40 hit me as hard as a finale because i know we're getting a 3rd season so its not OVER yet. but something about it just made it feel so much more impactful than a regular season finale. god. i miss them so much.

IM SO GLAD YOU GOT INTO JRWI !!!!!!! ITS BEEN SO FUN SEEING YOU GUYS REACT TO EVERYTHING!!!!!! jrwi has been like. HUGE main hyperfix for me since like. last october. so im having sooooo much fun forever. hehehehe. me when my beloved mutuals and i are all into the same piece of media again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[luwukass]

OKAY TRACKLIST BREAKDOWN!!!!

so i have now had breakfast and coffee and my brain is on and FUNCTIONING lets get into this

putting a break here incase youre scrolling and dont wanna read all of this lol

so first things first i was watching tiktok and people were making a big deal about how its split up into sides similarly to midnights now i do believe that taylor posted the back cover of the vinyl and that the cd will be different but i could be wrong. even if it is split up like this on purpose on every physical copy this does mean that it is a two LP album instead of one like midnights

one vinyl (both sides) can hold up to 44 minutes of music on it so we can roughly estimate that the full album will be about an hour and a half long now if each side is 22 minutes long each track on side a, b and c should be about (if each song is in equal length) 5 and a half minutes long. side d has 5 songs on it so some of those might be short to fit in the manuscript

i have also seen people compare this back cover to the back cover of lover which is absolutely breaking my heart and im sure thats not gonna be the last lover comparison i see about this album

okay so lets dive into this track by track

SIDE A

track one: Fortnight (feat Post Malone)

okay so first of all this is obviously not a reference to fortnite the video game but i think all of those jokes are funny as hell. the fortnight shes talking about here is a reference to the measurement of time as seen down below google states that fortnight is a british term for two weeks.

according to wikipedia fortnight is derived from the old english term fēowertiene niht, meaning "fourteen nights".

now onto post malone i actually listen to some of his music from time to time. he mostly does do rap but his most recent album austin (which is coincidentally also taylors brothers name, but is also post malones real name) is listed on google as alternative rock, indie pop and synth-pop. so im unsure of what vibe post will bring to the track. i think its also surprising she placed one of the two collabs as the opening track. i think the vibe for this track will probably be either a story about what happened in a certain two week period or about what is going to happen in two weeks from the songs time standpoint (if that makes sense lol)

track two: The Tortured Poets Department

A TITLE TRACK!!!! now obviously we dont know much about the album yet so we cant really try and figure out what the title track will be about so im just gonna do a little yippee for having a title track

track three: My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

this is a Whole fucking title good lord the only thing that really comes to mind when i think of this title is the lyric in better than revenge where she says “soon shes gonna find stealing other peoples toys on the playground wont make you many friends” which is if im not forgetting anything the only lyric as of now where she’s referred to being someones partner as someones “toy” but that lyric itself is a metaphor for relationships being playing on a playground. this will probably be a sad or angry song about how her ‘boy’ goes around breaking/hurting his favorite ‘toy’ aka taylor

track four: Down Bad

okay now down bad if you dont know is a slang term to describe how badly you have fallen for someone (mostly used in a more sexual nature in my experience than romantic) so this song will probably be about how badly she is for the love interest of the song

SIDE B

track five: So Long, London

alright new track five lets go! so this is obviously seeming to be a reference to track 11 on lover, london boy. now like taylor said when she announced it this album has been a secret for two years so we dont know when these songs were written or who they are about but i feel like it is safe to say this song and most of the other will be about said london boy [i personally do not care who a song is about and it is not taylors job to tell us who a song is about and that isnt the point of her music, but i will be commenting on the joe breakup bc that seems to be a large idea of this album so far] i can see this probably being about the break up and possibly sampling some music from london boy like she did with cornelia street and youre losing me

track six: But Daddy I Love Him

okay so the first thing i thought of when i read this track title is the scene from the little mermaid where ariel is fighting with her dad over the eric statue and im gonna be honest i dont remember the plot points in order of this movie BUT i do remember when taylor dressed up as ariel for her new years party in 2019. so given what we know this will probably be a song about maybe her fighting/arguing with her dad over how much she loves the love interest of the song regardless of who he is/how he treats her

track seven: Fresh Out The Slammer

okay so im not sure what this song will be about bc i dont think taylor has ever been to jail before so it would probably be metaphorical type of “im back bitches” type of song im assuming this might be a bass heavy maybe more rock leaning song and if it is a “im back bitches” it might be about the amount of time she was single for with the ‘slammer’ being her old relationship

track eight: Florida!!! (feat Florence and the Machine)

alright so as we all know this album has been in the works at least for two years but we dont know when each song was written so take this with a grain of salt but the tampa eras tour shows were the first shows after the news of the joe breakup dropped. so this song might be about her feelings during those shows. for those that want to know these were the surprise songs for the tampa shows in order.

night one: speak now and treacherous

night two: the great war and youre on your own kid

night three: mad woman and mean

SIDE C

track nine: Guilty as Sin?

okay so my main curiosity about this track is the question mark in the title because guilty as sin isnt much of a thought provoking title to me but that fact that its a question is interesting. the current vibes im getting are that this might be a more sexy song? but i have no idea here

track ten: Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?

okay so THIS is giving big taunting energy like “aww who would ever be afraid of little ol me 🥺 youre afraid of me?” which im Hoping thats what the vibes are bc that would HIT but i can also see it being completely different as well

track eleven: I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

oh my GOD this one sounds like its gonna be sad. so this is obviously a reference to the common seen online phrase “i can/could fix him” which as ive seen is normally used towards people who are attracted to hot fictional characters that usually have a lot of emotional baggage or are villains (i saw it a lot when ballad of songbirds and snakes came out about young snow) so this song will probably be about her promising that she Can fix him and really will despite ‘him’ being broken or maybe even possibly a bad partner

track twelve: loml

so i saw and rb a post earlier about how its very interesting that this is already an acronym which i completely agree with because taylor knows we are no strangers to turning her song titles into acronyms. so loml does usually mean love of my life but i think because its already an acronym it might be something different (i saw someone earlier say it might be loss of my life instead of love)

SIDE D

track thirteen: I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

this one i think will kill me personally. i think this one will probably be about her continuing to go on with life (and possibly the eras tour) post joe break up i think this one will either be a sad song or a light beat ‘picking myself up on my feet’ song

track fourteen: The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

this has so many implications but personally i think the interpretation shes gonna use for this song will be about how the said man is small emotionally and just as a person (i doubt she will talk about physical shortness in height or other areas)

track fifteen: The Alchemy

now im gonna be so real here i have no idea what this one will be about google says that alchemy is an older version of chemistry so maybe she will talk about the chemistry or alchemy she has in her relationships?

track sixteen: Clara Bow

alright Clara Bow! okay so i dont know much about old hollywood so i am NOT the person to deep dive into what this song will be about but all i do know about her is that she was The “It” girl of the silent film era so im assuming this song will probably be like the lucky one and talk about the rise to stardom and being the Biggest Star Of The Time

track seventeen(bonus track): The Manuscript

alright so after looking at the definition of a manuscript this is the PERFECT bonus track?!!?!?! so a manuscript is normally a piece of work that is written or typed out but isnt officially published which is just genius for having it be a bonus track that probably wont be on streaming (if not for a long time) i have no idea what itll be about but i love that mastermind

that’s pretty much all of my thoughts as of currently PLEASE let me know what yall think and what theories yall have for this album i am SO excited for april 19th 💕

[fairycosmos]

i feel like ur almost the only person who i can talk to about this. i lost my brother similar to you also almost three years ago. how do you feel about the angus cloud situation? i couldn’t even read the full article bc i related to his situation so well and it hit me to my core. my mom and i almost both took our lives together days after his passing and sometimes i feel guilty for still being here when i wanted to just end it all and still do bc life’s not worth it without him. i also judge myself bc i feel like bc i didn’t leave i’m not showing how horrible i truly feel (to both him, myself, and others) idk. i just wanted ur thoughts on feeling guilty and also feeling invalidated in how we handle our grief

yeah honestly i've been avoiding articles on it like ever since i heard the news ive just been kind of blocking it out, did the same w demi lovato's drug overdose in (i think) 2021 i just can't even begin to approach news like that. it fucks me up for weeks/months at a time and i cant afford to feel like that honestly. i'm so so sorry youre going through it too and i'm sorry youre in such a dark place, i know me and my mam often are too. it's the kind of feeling words cant really touch and i wont try but i absolutely do understand and i think everything youre going through makes a very painful sort of sense - the guilt, the absolute despair, having to go along with the way life just moves forward and then feeling bad because youre not displaying how awful you truly feel. i feel like i'm feeling my sister in so many ways every day honestly, i feel like i failed her the day she died and every day since. guilt is such a big part of my grief, and i think it's one of the most unavoidable and natural parts of it too unfortunately. we'll always feel a heavy responsibility towards them because we love them so so much and the worst thing that couldve happened to them happened. i think there's not many ways for the brain to make sense of that without going a bit mad. there are so many moments that ive wished i could swap places with her, so many moments i just want to die, and still i'm here and i still i have to deal with being here. those are very difficult, conflicting emotions - im so so sorry. i hope you have the support you deserve in your life and i hope youre able to find a way to mourn your brother that feels a bit more cathartic (if there even is such a version of mourning.) i hope you're able to talk about this with a grief counsellor or someone who can help you make sense of what youre thinking and feeling in a way that doesn't hurt so much - not because i think it'll solve anything or bring your brother back, because you deserve to be listened to and validated throughout the grieving process. for your own good, whether you feel you deserve it or not - you do. if you ever want to talk about him, tell stories about him and what he was like, or talk about what ur going please know im always here. i'd like to talk about becca (my sister) more too and share her memory in a way that makes her feel real again. sending a massive hug. x

[eosofspades]

okay. first half of lightfall complete!! done for the day because my brain is frying and its almost midnight but MAN I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS. HELLO

spoilers below

GHOST IS BACK!!!!!! THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE ENTIRE GAME ALWAYS. GHOST I MISSED YOU SO MUCH

the intro cutscenes FUCK oh my god?? i was NOT expecting the traveler's attack / the slicening to be literally the FIRST CUTSCENE?? INCREDIBLE. couldnt play the first mission properly bc my hands were shaking i was so hyped up ghsjdnfv

WHY DOES THE WITNESS JUST TAKE THE BEAM FULL FORCE. WHAT THE FUCK MAN

the tormentors are FUCKING TERRIFYING. I WAS SO SCARED. LIKE THAT GROWLING NOISE RIGHT BEHIND YOU IS ACTUALLY SO FUCKING SCARY MY HEART WAS POUNDING FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES AFTER I KILLED THE THING

stay frosty

STRAND IS SO COOL. LIKE STRAND IS EXPONENTIALLY FASCINATING AND SO MUCH FUN

i will elaborate on this more in depth another time but i need to say strand feels like what they were going for with stasis except this time they did it RIGHT. in terms of consequences/risk we HEARD all about the dangers of stasis but there were literally no side effects. this on the other hand??? ITS DONE SO PERFECTLY I CANT GET OVER IT

and CONSEQUENCES!!! obviously i knew rohan was going to die like that was completely expectable but i would NOT have guessed the guardian's own shortcomings would have been the reason. god damn

everything about nimbus is so good. i love love love that they're not actually angry or blaming the guardian for rohan's death, just accepting and ready to get justice

THAT FUCKING SCENE. THE FUCKING WITNESS POSSESSING GHOST SCENE?? HELLO??? THAT WAS SO AGONIZING TO WATCH I WAS SO AFRAID

also i lost my shit ghost was literally getting possessed and in visible pain and the guardian just fucking stood there like a sim

ON THAT NOTE THOUGH. "WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER." AND HOLDING OUT THEIR HAND FOR HIM???? THAT IS SOME GOOD GUARDIAN AND GHOST CONTENT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN BEGGING FOR FOR YEARSSS

all the witness scenes are so fucking cool btw that nightmare they sent to calus is WILD. i am OBSESSED with the witness' shattered glass thing but more importantly their ANGER. i didn't think CALUS is what they'd be angry about!! holy shit!!! emperor has the survival instincts of a fucking moth and if the winnower doesn't blow up the witness i want the witness to blow up calus

i NEED to know what the witness means by "we know pain." babe who hurt you

GHOST GOING "are you handling highly volatile materials?? AGAIN???" I LOVE GHOST SO MUCH IT'S UNREAL. I LITERALLY DIED AT THIS PART BC I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD. he sounded so exasperated and annoyed and affectionate i love ghost more than anything ever

^ PLUS. Rohan going "Again? How often does this happen?" and ghost yelling "TOO OFTEN" GHOST BABY IM SO SORRY AHAHAJSGVSV

THE STRIKE!! THE STRIIIKE. HELLO. i got my ass handed to me about sixteen times in a row and almost gave up for the night but holy shit was it worth it for the ending line. nezarec i KNEW you would come back to us!!! <333

side note im literally so pissed off about the reactor core mission bc the end when you're supposed to be using strand to swing out. i just fucking jumped i was so anxious and i couldn't find the strand thing and then everyone kept talking about how i used strand to get out and how amazing it was and ive just been sitting here like . guys please i know i missed out on all the fun you don't have to rub it in PLEASE

OSIRIS TRAINING THE GUARDIAN OSIRIS TRAINING THE GUARDIAN!!! MY OC HEADCANONS ARE BECOMING ACTUAL CANON. VINDICATION IS SO GOOD

when osiris yells "THAT WAS EXCELLENT" i got SO HAPPY. HE IS SO PROUD OF THEM!!!

now that said. i have NOT gotten past the strand training mission i'm about halfway through it. so i don't know if it comes up and it might not but i WOULD like to see osiris at least acknowledge that he was being too harsh before. like i know he's incredibly stressed and everything but my guy. the guardian was literally keeled over dying and osiris is like "we don't have time for this. why aren't you better at this by now"

on that note listen i love osiris so much he's my second favorite character but when he was scolding the guardian and ghost tries to come to your defense and says "we did our best" and osiris SHOUTS "we NEED to do BETTER" i got SO MAD. DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE AT MY GHOST

i cannot believe bungie canonically gave the guardian a cringefail compilation cutscene. power blowing up in their face. ghost and osiris shaking their heads at each other in disappointment and affection for the guardian. im losing my shit

THE FUCKING CUTSCENE WHERE OSIRIS HOLDS HIS HAND OUT AND TRIES TO TALK TO SAGIRA BEFORE HE REALIZES........ AGONIZED WAILING HEARD FROM MY HOME

this is... about as far as i have gotten. i know i'm forgetting some things but!! i am SO hyped up rn okay i am going to play the rest tomorrow

overall conclusion: GOOD SHIT. i love it here this game is the best thing that has ever happened to me

[thatbitchsimone]

I also love Angelica and think she's so great - there's another video on her youtube where she says people should only lose their virginity in their 20's - what do you think about this? I agree with her sentiment to an extent and I do think as a woman I was put into many situations that make me feel used now and I am sure this can negatively affect men as well.. I just kind of felt ashamed/worried after watching the video because she said that having sex very young can negatively set you up for life and I agree to an extent but I think there's more nuance to it than a 20 minute youtube video can express.. And also I think the problem more with me is I didn't know to express my boundaries or communicate and people took advantage of that sometimes.. and just how women are socialised etc etc

i was just gonna watch that video but it looks like shes deleted all of those videos (which sucks ass bc she had an amazing video about the tumblr nymphet community and its parallels to nambla and how it has negatively affected us that got seduced by that little subculture back in the mid 2010s) so unfortunately i cant answer this properly bc i dont have the full context and i dont have her arguments etc but i can still give some of my immidiate thoughts on it so here we go

i think losing ur virginity/wait with sex until ur in ur 20s is probably ideal tbh and i would absolutely encourage it for anyone who is in their teens rn and havent had their sexual debut yet. main reason being that u will be old enough to understand sex and its risks and effects and u will have had time to figure ur own body out more and u will most likely have at the very least basic level emotional intelligence and maturity that is required to have safe and healthy and enjoyable sex. like u have just finished puberty and just left teenagehood behind which is a messy and confusing and rough lifestage for all of us and ur now entering adulthood and have gained some perspective etc and u are way more in tune with urself (at the very least compared to when u were a teen) and both ur body and brain will be developed enough to be able to handle sex and have a realistic attitude around it and while ofc u can still be manipulated and u may still be somewhat naive it wont be anywhere near AS easy to manipulate u as it would have been earlier bc thats just how it is. u might still be vulnerable maybe sure but if ur vulnerable now u were even MORE vulnerable when u were a teen. its just how it is. thats how growing up works. u will probably have a way easier and more enjoyable sexual debut in ur 20s bc u will have a headstart in so many ways both physically and emotionally.

BUT im not gonna pretend like its that black and white and simple. Many girls (and boys but im focusing on women here) have perfectly normal and healthy sexual encounters when they are teenagers and i rly dont believe that sex will just automatically traumatize and harm u when ur a teen bc lets be real here, the key here is that u explore sex with UR PEERS, boys and girls within ur own age group, NOT ppl that are 20+ when u are like 14-16. when ur a high schooler and u want to explore sex u do it with other high schoolers. ppl ur own age. I think its perfectly fine and normal to have sex when ur a teen, but that is assuming u are having sex with other teens. NOT ppl that are like 5 years older than u. thats when actual impactful long lasting harm becomes highly likely. feeling like u got used and heartbroken by a boy in ur school aka a boy that is ur peer and ur own age will hurt and suck and will leave an impact on u but its a very different impact than the one u will be left with if u felt taken advantaged of by someone much older (not a teen). the dynamics are whats important here i think.

sex and relationships are messy and yes u can always get fucked up from it thats just how it is. u cant avoid it. u just need to be able to handle it and maybe ur not ready to handle it until ur like 25, thats fine. dont do it then. like if u dont think ur ready, just wait until u are. if ur like 15 and feel ready then go ahead but STICK TO PPL UR OWN AGE when ur that young. u gotta be equals. period.

[borathae]

Okay okay.....FUCK SIBI, LITERALLY HOLY FUCK

This is too much I can't handle a lot of emotions like that TAT how did we pass to something so cute e cozy, to something so FUCKING HOT ????( you literally increased my biting kink and make me have blood kink as a new kink even if it's something illegal ajjaksk) and from hot to something tearing?!?!?!... HOW... EXPLAIN ME HOW TAT

First Kookie and Yoongi are too good and cute and Kookie is on the seventh sky after the talk with Yoongi, and finally what got into Tae got explained.... I felt bad for him, okay that he did something he didn't had too but Jimin is a cunt and I think that, even if we still don't know what will happen since Yoongi took MC away from a soooo horny Tae, Jimin is into trouble...like really really into trouble.

Tae may have commited too many errors but baby you touched his MC, I think that even if there was blood lust, possessiveness, a lot of strength and rough sex and jealousy, Tae just showed how much he care and love her and that he wouldn't dare or esitate to punish whoever hurt her or in this case bite her, or he wouldn't mind of showing whose she belongs too 👀

Idk if you get me Sibi but if MC got her pussy and brain scrambled, you literally scrambled mine so I'm trying to think right and think about theories as much as I can lol

Now Yoongi, poor Yoongi he really got his heart broke when MC said that more time and consensually she let Tae drink her blood. Now I'm thinking that there wouldn't be nothing wrong because Tae never forced her, plus drinking blood from the partner might be even the most important declaration of love for vampires and MC and Tae are in a relationship longer respect the others. But on the other hand I feel so bad for Yoongi, that is the big no for him and I think that when MC will gain her forces again maybe they'll have to talk about it...and I fear that Yoongi for this might be a little distant at first from her, like as if he has to elaborate what was happening behind is back all of that time...

Damn Sibi 😵😵 you killed me with this masterpiece!

Promise me we will have more Rough Dom Tae X MC in MV 🥹 I literally need that 🥹

Plus I apologize for any grammatical error 😂 my head is dizzy today

🌺

JDJAJFGAJ I LOVE HOW YOU WENT FULL ON "i discovered something" HAHAH HONESTLY THOUGH I GET YOU FAJDFJA MY BITE KINK AND BLOOD KINK WAS QUAKING AJFDJF

Tae just showed how much he care and love her and that he wouldn't dare or esitate to punish whoever hurt her or in this case bite her, or he wouldn't mind of showing whose she belongs too 👀

this is such an interesting point of view to see this situation. That under all his mess and chaos and questionable actions, Taehyung's confused and hurt feelings were shining through. mmhm interesting indeed

Now Yoongi, poor Yoongi he really got his heart broke when MC said that more time and consensually she let Tae drink her blood. Now I'm thinking that there wouldn't be nothing wrong because Tae never forced her, plus drinking blood from the partner might be even the most important declaration of love for vampires and MC and Tae are in a relationship longer respect the others.

I'm so broken for Yoongi 😭😭 imagine how he must feel rn now that he knows just how deep Tae and OC actually go NO I CANT THINK ABOUT IT IM SO SAD

and I fear that Yoongi for this might be a little distant at first from her, like as if he has to elaborate what was happening behind is back all of that time...

me too holy, I also fear that 😭😭

Promise me we will have more Rough Dom Tae X MC in MV 🥹 I literally need that 🥹

maybe who knows, not me ;)

[thatcaliber]

i've kinda hacked my brain lately into doing a similar thing i call cycling. i have several things I want to do, for example: reading, fucking off on tumblr, watching a show, making art, etc.

previously, i would pick one thing and do it and do it and even when i was tired of it, because that was the thing i had Chosen for that day so i would keep doing it until bedtime or whatever. because i had this like. idea in my mind that if i was only doing something for a short period of time, like if i only embroidered for an hour and therefore didnt make huge progress, it wasn't worth doing. its only worth doing if i made big progress!! big progress gives serotonin...eventually

so then what id end up doing is if i didnt have the energy to do the thing all day, it just didnt get done. if i cant sit and read a book for several hours because my attention span is low, i wont read at all even though i love reading. i didnt read books for years, which made me really sad.

but then i realized that my mindset was kinda silly. reading a chapter or even a few pages of a book a day is objectively better for my brain than not reading books at all because i couldnt get my attention span to last. tossing 20 stitches into my most recent embroidery project is better than letting it rot undone forever. sketching something for fun is fine, it doesnt always have to be a finished piece. and if its gonna be a finished piece, it can take as long as i want! i dont have to do it all today!

so now i cycle activities. i start with, say, tumblr. i scroll tumblr until i feel bored, even just a little. then i put tumblr away and think "what sounds good now?" so i put on a tv show, which i usually combine with something like embroidery or playing games on my phone if its not something that requires my full attention. when im bored of that, or even if the episode ended so it seems like a good time for a change, i stop that and i read for a bit or whatever. as soon as i begin to feel bored of that, or my neck hurts from hunching, or my eyes are tired, or literally any other reason, i cycle to the next activity. and i just do that, over and over again until the day is done or whatever. so instead of dedicating my day to one or two things and getting mad that i couldnt focus, i just. let my brain go where it wants, for as long as it wants instead of fighting it

its made me feel a little bit more like im accomplishing stuff, even if its only a little bit at a time and its made me feel less like im just falling into a low energy hole of scrolling the internet until i want to chop my fingers off. its made me a little less depressed and feel more like im actually DOING my hobbies. im reading more books, i'm making more art, writing more, watching more movies, whatever.

the change in my thoughts that im allowed to do many things for short periods of time instead of picking One Thing i have to do all day even when im tired of it because i Committed to that thing for the day really helped my little autism brain

somehow, amazingly, i have hacked the impulse that makes me mindlessly scroll on my phone. it's not gone but i've paired it with a conscious thought process that goes like, "what's my goal here? i'm looking for entertainment, for information, for something that makes me feel more optimistic and interested in the world i live in..."

and because that kicks in between apps, too, i'm not doomscrolling as much. i'm intentionally seeking out posts or videos or whatever that actually mean something to me. when i'm not satisfied i walk away or pick up a book instead. most subtle yet impactful change i've gone through in years

i did not intentionally set out to change this. i've just been working on my mindset in general. hey, turns out having a good therapist again helps

[sunshiinespots]

I TOO BE ADDED!

INTRODUCTORY :

hii, im very mentally unwell, so this was originally going to be a vent blog, but i thought, 'why not make it pretty', so im trying to do exactly that. ive not much to speak to regarding my issues, as theyre much more controversial than what you'd really see. not a perfect victim, not always a victim, but not always a perpetrator at fault, if you catch my drift.. i thought it'd be better than throwing things, so I'll write things down here.

My name? I have many nicknames. ive been called Harmonie, Sunshine, Kitty, and Le. you could honestly call me whatever you'd like..

My pronouns? She/her is fine.

Other important details? For some starters, I'm mixed race of many different things, but mostly hispanic. I'm an INTP, and I like to characterize myself as a deer sometimes. My favorite color is pink and I have a boyfriend named Kevin.

My mental conditions? I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Schizophrenia, Anxiety, Histrionic Personality Disorder, and a pathological lying issue. I am also hypersexual, I maladaptive daydream, and have PTSD. Maybe others I may have forgot, but these are the main things that conflict with my life.

My physical conditions? I have a heart disease, PICA, Anemia, Tuberculosis, A lung condition, and bone problems. I am legally blind and have cataracts, as well as partially deaf. I suffered brain injuries and brain damage when I was younger and it has affected me daily. I'm currently pregnant due to rape. Most of these conditions are due to the fact that I was born 'unfinished', 'small', or premature and damaged due to my mother doing drugs and being unsafe while I was in womb. I am very mentally slow at times and can regress ages due to this. I am not good at spelling, memory, or critical thinking from time to time. I'm in diagnosed psychosis.

Another thing? This is for me, not because of anyone else..maybe you can relate, maybe not, find comfort in what you will.

Some things? My boyfriend Kevin is not an abuser nor victim in our relationship. He has chosen to live this way with me, Ivr chosen. He says and does things that seem disgusting to people who don't relate. I love him, and it is my choice to love him. In my eyes, id rather be with him, someone who understands me and spends time with me, and let him hurt me, than something else. It is my place to speak about him and not yours to tell me what to do with him. This also goes for any people I mention unless I explicitly say or ask what to do.

Warnings.

Please make yourself aware of the severity of my mental conditions before you ever judge me.. and just know there will be quite an array of disgusting and abnormal thoughts here i cant control. Don't assume I'm horrible just because I can't control my intrusive thoughts. But, that aside, I am not a good person. I know I'm not a good person, I never will be. Do not expect anything from me. My brain is sometimes full of different people due to my BPD and or Plurality. I may make a post about my Plurality and the names, they all depend on emotions. Sometimes im a different person. You never know.

[leynaeithnea]

Literally taking notes as I read your reply so I can remember everything I want to say to you akdmmsan ( also my fingers also hurt from refreshing Tumblr, waiting for your reply aaah)

First of all sorry for making you type so much but actually I'm not that sorry bc I'm having the time of my life talking to you, also I really like your takes and seeing your perspective on stuff (I will now proceed to tell you what I think about what you said , I swear I am sorry but I can't help it, it's the voiceeees)

2. I never stopped to think about the implications of the others joining in the song bc they are seeing Odysseus getting closer to the wall and on the brink of doing something so unforgivable that they have to wonder, should we consider him a monster? Where do we draw the line ? Kskdkd good shit

3. I 100% agree about full speed ahead, I LOVE IT and sing it to myself all the time, 4.we do need more polities , and I also adore the "stay back" part and whenever I sing it I do this silly thing where I pretend to have a sword and I use it to threaten the lotus eaters that are surrounding me ( is it silly? Yes. Do I have the time of my life being this silly? Also yes ). And I totally understand the Ody appreciation because the tragedy in his story and the way he tries to overcome all the obstacles only to realize he is a pawn of the gods anyway jajsnsnsnnjakam and how all this fighting and struggling changed him so much he became unrecognizable but somehow at the core he's still the same aaaahh 6. Agree on anything and everything you say at this point bc "there's been a misunderstanding" scratches my brain so good. 7. I'm so happy for you I wish I could pick up even half of the motifs and stuff Jay always talks about, after his explanations I'm always like "mmmh yes yes I get it (<- does NOTget it for the life of her )" 8. Hands down my favorite 10/10, I am also not 100% sold on the new version bc I am just so used to the old one but I like a lot how Athena says "don't "in this one , she feels more surprised (?),like she didn't think she HAD to warn him not to do smth this reckless, don't know how to explain it lol. AND the silence that screams "oooh you really fucked up" after Odysseus revelas his name and address is UNMATCHED , chills every time. Also the fact that in the whole musical this is the first time we hear his name is just amazing. Keeps me up at night 9.again , seeing your take on things is so good !! In this song Athena is confused by humans and how they process their emotions?? Akksks how did I not see it?? 11. I adore this one but now it's so hard to listen to it and not be haunted by mutiny

Sorry again for dumping all of this here lol, also if you want I would adore a part two for the other sagas but literally no pressure :))

BY THE GODS THANK YOUUUU OMxjdkdksks mfjfjdjsFUSJDS THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME DONT APOLOGIZE FOR INFO DUMPING I LOVE IT

AND YES part 2 is to come, I stopped at luck runs out yesterday because Keep your friends close has soooo many parts that I love, its one of my favorites

Also yesss Luck Runs Out really hits different now, loveeee how it sets up mutinity in the motifs so good okay I might only finish Ocean Saga in this one bc SO MUCH TO SAY but i would be honored to do this maybe saga by saga with some asks or smth idk rjsjsjs

Ok

12. Keep friends Close

"Great wind god aelus" kicks just the right way again

"Hahahaha i am the wind" Omg the melody and music in this song is so gooood so floaty and airy its big joy, aelus playfulness and the whole first part of the song is so goooodd ALSO WINIOKS "sometimes killing is a must" - "what??"

And then it shifts to the crew where i love the voice acting of the whole scene up until "we'll try" AND THEN my favorite part: Odysseus tries to stay awake

For 9 days Ive sayed wide awake, trying to make it home with no storm or tidal wave, I remain unapposed the bag is still closed and Im getting closer to youuu (penelope) i cant wait to make some new memories (telemachus) time for me to be the father i never was (just keep your eyes open) why are my eyes and my heart and soul so heavy? (Just keep your eyes open) I keep on trying to embrage you both why wont you let me?? (Just keep your eyes open) so much has changed but im the same YES IM THE SAMMEEE (just keep your eyes open) -> FIRST TIME WE HEAR TELEMACHUS BTW IM SO EXCITED FOR HIM

ALSO THEY ALMOST REACHED ITHIKA IF EURY HADNT OPENED THE BAG---- THEY WERE WITHIN SIGHT, HIS MOM COULDVE SEEN THE SHIPS

So, yeah this whole part? So good, and then penelope wakes him and he wakes up to the storm and the "NooOOooooO" is so niceee ans THEN "ODYSSEUS OF ITHICA, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" WE LOVE POSEIDON HIS VOICEEEE

13. Ruthlessness

Danger motif (ehehe) the -sei-don in the chant in the beginning I think, madbe the po-sei im not sure

STEVENS GRIT IN HIS VOICE ITS SO GOOD like either mortius or casper said it but he literally sounds like he just gurgled salt water fr, And hes SO SASSY

"it isnt very often that i get pissed of" ....i feel like you dont have s very realistic selfimage Poseidon

"Ive been so gracious" hits right too, so good

"The cyclops youve maee blind, is mine" - No

Love how the theme of Ruthnessless finially gets spoken out directly and literally thrown into his face I ALSO LOVE HOW EVERY ANIMATOR PORTRAYS THIS SCENE AS POSEIDON BEATING UP ODYSSEUS LIKE GUDJDKSKSKSJSJ hell yes anyway

"You are the worst kind of good cause youre not even great" THE music in this moment, the drop and the how it picks up again fhsjdjskaja

Also not Ody not even apologizing smh smh

"If you jusr killed my son, But NooOooouu" SASSY SEIDON gjdjfjwj hes so pissed he didnt kill polyphemus :[ (jkjkjkrks)

Then the whole part with

RUTHLESSNESS IS MERCY UPON OUR- CAPITAIN

RUTHLESSNESS IS MERCY UPON OUR- CAPITAIN

(Also those lines asding up to 11, for the 11 ships ody looses there oml)

I love "the line between naivetë and hopefullness is almost invisible" its such a cool quote

And then the pause into "Die."

THE CALL BACK TO "when does a ripple become a tidal wave" of jusr a man Omg I LOVE just a man call backs and the disbelieve and horror in "what have you done" and Poseidons calm response, and then THE WINDBAG and "Remember Me" omggrttt yes def two of th3 best songs in the musical so far

Edit:

OH AND I FORGOT THE ACTING?? THE SWORD? YES PLS, i acted out the whole musical so far on a whim with a friend a few days ago and it was the best things in my life fr, acting for the win i also tend to act these things out by myself ghjjdg

Edit 2: Circe saga next!

[haetrack]

lmaooooo wait i’d love to share with you but also i’m shyyyy, give me a few more days

i don’t think i’ve written full fics for jaem yet, just lil cute blurbs here and there. i mostly write for johnjaemark! occasionally for hyuck and jeno too!

COMPLAINING WHILE WRITING, BRO, SAMEEEEEEEE! sometimes it’s so tedious and the details just hurt my brain…and i’m so the tupe to write long winded stories with fluff and angst and slow burn and if it calls for it, smut to add onto it if the story calls for it. the slow burn and the fluff is SO fun for me idk why. and angst is just *chef’s kiss*

warning: cute markie poo is like down bad for the girl best friend and it’s so cheesy and niche because it combines another interest of mine, my friends reading it are like this is SOOOO cheesy, it’s making me lactose intolerant NDJDJSJSSJ

once it’s finished, i will send and maybe some of the other fics im really proud of 🫡🫡

i have SAURRRRR many good ideas for long stories for johnny and jaehyun that have been sitting in my docs for years. i really hope this is the year i get back into writing and dropping those fics 🥲 they’re too good to just sit there.

- 🦦

IM GONNA NEED TO SEE ONE OF THOSE HAECHAN BLURBS PLEASE… i will be waiting patiently until u are ready ☝️ i’m literally so excited for ur markie poo post like i love when people put their own interests into their posts like YES… and a good cheesy story?? I CANT WAIT

NO ACTUALLY for yfmk i had finished writing everything else and i was debating if i should even write a smut scene for it bc it kinda felt completed already BUT i remembered that i did tag it as smut so i was like. okay so i need to put a little something in here to actually make it fit and i actually think it tied everything together (i still complained though LOL)

[cumberbatchedandproud]

@lifesashow #the last moment where joowon cries into dongsik's hands wasn't scripted apparently and I will never ever ever be over it @callmeahopelesscase #pretty sure this scene changed something in me forever #just look at them!!! so little words and yet so much said!!! Ahh @alienwlw #if this scene wasNT a marriage proposal than wAHT WAS IT?? @of-sevenseas #when a proposal is one of you begging to go to hell in the other's stead and he hands himself to you with both hands together @lifesashow #i have so many!! feelings!!! about Them!!! #joowon's face the heartbreak is just... #and dongsik is so gentle i just cant #also joowon-ah?? stomping my heart into bits on the floor @tiffanylamps #it always kills me that when dong sik touches joo won's hand it immediately unclenches. joo won doesn't flinch or pull away #he relaxes and lets dong sik hold him (his thumb stroking the back of joo won's hand 🥲🥹) #dong sik is a comfort. a safe place. someone joo won willingly lets and wants to touch him #and the last gif!!!! of joo won temporarily lifting his fingers to greet dong sik's hand- #wanting to keep holding on even though he's shaking #i can't. they've fatally wounded me @mistbornthief #scenes that have haunted me for years and counting #beyond evil #the intimacy.....the emotion.....the coming full circle from where they began.... #but like in a good way. in a closure way. not a bad way @icouldhyperfixatehim #moments which make me pause and consider my frail emotional state in seriousness #god #the way his face just breaks open so gently but so completely #looking at this man who just called him affectionately and intimately; radiating with an aura so beneficent it'd singe the bible @couriernine #im not the same person i was before this “juwon-ah” @salayy #every time dongsik calls him joowon ah i die a little inside #and i kmow joowon does too @rcmclachlan #'ju-won-ah' gave us all dirt brain @luckyfini #still not over the fact that dongshik says his name in casual form #juwon is the one with all the power in this situation #and hes eaten up by his guilt complex #and then dongshil goes ahead ans calls him by his name #like hes talking to a child who has just accidentally broken something and trying to comfort him #languages that have innate hierarchichal structure like korean or japanese bring suh nuance to moments like this #also hands >.< @wuxianphobic #what if you spent months trying to get me arrested and then when i said you’d have to arrest me yourself i took your hand so you wouldn’t #hurt it while trying not to cry and i smiled sadly at you because we both knew it would end this way. and we were both boys #iskarieot #that shit was crazy #they were crazy #i was crazy watching them be crazy @rcmclachlan #i like to imagine ju won weeping over dong sik's cuffed hands and dong sik saying softly ''yah ju won ah you knew this was coming'' #and ju won sobbing ''i didn't i didn't think you would...'' #and dong sik smiling down at him at this neutron star of a man and saying ''i made you a promise. i tend to keep those.''

@chaoticfandomthot : #they were so insane for this #rotating this scene in my head 30 times a day #it's the fragility and the love and they were doomed from the start and they both knew it and yet #and it's joowon who despite his act keeps falling at dongsik's knees #and dongsik who despite everything keeps holding him while he does #and it's everything i want and fear and need #and it's beautiful like a shooting star is beautiful even as it crashes and burn or like the sea is beautiful even as it sinks your boat and #fills your lungs #and i think maybe i'll never get over them and i think maybe none of us ever will

Beyond Evil: episodes 16

Please arrest me.

[salaciousslut]

I'll try to not be too distracting since i know how important exams are, but i know you'll ace your exam. You're a smart girl<3 I hope you have fun when you go out after, I wish i could be there to take care of you while you're having a good time. Im glad you feel honored, you've just been on my mind a lot🫣 pretty music makes people think of pretty people<3 Kali is one of my favorite artists, if a scandal about her ever broke out it'll break me inside bc as a latina, Im a big supporter of other latinas🤭

Im basically the same way, I used to be extra prepared charger cords and all, but nowadays all my friends and i need is like IDs, a wax pen or two, and our phones 🤭 but im def making sure my friends are safe bc i have the most wits about me when we're drunk. Yeah i was thinking about you 🫣 i had to reel in my thoughts before i got too turned on though so at least it wasnt too worrisome. You'd fit right in with us sweetheart<3 it would've been so nice to have you on my lap drinking with us and talking to us🥺

Such a sweet girl, speaking when told to<3 makes me feel better that you get it, and you wont think that i dont care! Ive had a few people think that before.

Youre so cute sweetheart<33 and with you saying it so confidently it makes my heart ache a little that i really cant just show up to your apartment and use your pretty little pussy</3 you deserve to be used after using your brain to study all day 🥺

I like seeing others happy too, if you were just a pretty girl i was walking by i'd give you a complement on how you wore your hair and one on your outfit just to see you smile, wouldn't ask for a number or nothing, just an innocent complement and hope it made your day better. I dont like one sided shit so it makes me happy to see you say that first 🥰 you really know how to make a butch feel special you know that? Youre too good at flattering leos, sweetheart. I think you holding my face in your hands would fix me actually<3

Wait thats too cute 🥺 if i got to be comfy enough i would definitely be more than willing to let you learn my schedule! I would love to ft with you whenever you wanted omg🤭 you are too sweet<333 i bet so many people would be jealous of the fact that such a pretty princess isnt calling them up out of the blue<3

I promise im not too hard on myself, last time i needed to check myself was well over a year ago. I know i deserve good things. And not to be on some hippie shit but if i didnt think i did, i wouldnt be willing to accept all the ways the universe has helped me. Im growing but i still still slip up like everyone else you know?

youre not distracting at all!! you are a welcome break hehe!! my brain hurts but i love talking to you! and youve been on my mind a lot too!!

yes i always have some meds and chapstick and chargers and eye drops and stuff haha. but when im drunk i get a lil carried away so take care of me okay? hehe

yes im such a good girl hehe!! i just wanna be relaxed and spend time with someone!!

stop i love when people compliment me!!! it makes me sooooo happy and i feel more confident that day. plus coming from a kindhearted soul like you? it would make my day

yay!! i love calling people! especially video calling bc i just feel like its more personal! plus i love seeing people hehe, makes my heart full!! and i should be the one who people should be jealous of! look at you!!

yes i completely understand! im glad you are at that mindset! i feel like thats a very mature way to look at things

[eluvion]

for the fic writer ask game: 3, 16, 23, 74, 76 (for hope is our four-letter word)? i hope that's not too many lol

love your writing! wishing you joy <3

hi!! this took like a million years so apologies on that!! ive been packing for and moving into college the past few days so i was a little busy but!!!! tysm for the ask love!!!! this did end up like mega long so i put my answers under the cut

3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

usually, my fics really start as disconnected snippets in my notes app. i usually sort the notes by fandom, and at some point the snippets kind of amalgamate into something more tangible. then it gets shipped off into a google doc where i basically just work at it (on my computer or my phone) until i have a full fic/chapter. i usually write more emotional scenes on my phone, and it's just a Thing to do in between Real Life Things. then!! once im finished writing i read it over a billion times, read through the dialogue out loud to make sure it sounds natural, and then ask my beta (my beloved @izarie) to edit through. and then after THAT i post it!!

16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

right now, i have two main ones that are just sort of revolving around my brain. there's my flinch from roy's pov ted lasso fic, because that made fic me so so sooo insane and sometimes i just cant stop thinking abt scenes where jamie is super inside his own head and what roy is Thinking Abt during that time. here's a bit of that:

Roy wonders, not for the first time, how he kicked Jamie out at the beginning of all this. Jamie had that look on his face—even while he was making Jamie-like complaints and giving Roy shit—like he was going to cry. And Roy just threw his clothes back and forced him to call an Uber and watched him slump around himself from the window. Roy knows better than that. He was raised better than that.  So okay. Maybe Roy gets it, in that context. Jamie holds onto shit that hurts him on the off chance that it will hold him close. And as much as he fucking despises it, that puts him and James Tartt in the same category, that place in Jamie’s head where he keeps the people that could help but choose not to. Roy really doesn’t want to know how many people are in that box.

and a succession post-canon roman-centric fic! it will be like. a little bit ooc just by virtue of having a nice(r) ending because that's how succession Is but you know. this is what i call healing. here's a bit of that:

Kendall’s all teeth. “Fuck you. You're not better. You’ve—you’ve fucking imploded everything you’ve ever done.” “Yeah, ‘cause you're the fuckin’ picture of a success story.” Roman sinks deeper into his seat. Leans into the car window. “Real wolf of fucking Wall Street, getting fucked out of Daddy’s company because you couldn’t play act a real CEO.” Kendall’s hands twitch.  Roman smiles. “What are you gonna do? Hit me about it?”

and also like. forever in my brain is the elektra greek tragedy fic in which i have feelings abt my doomed by the narrative failwife <333

23. Best writing advice for other writers?

i think it was ve schwab who gave the metaphor of a creative well, and that for as much Stuff (art, music, podcasts books, ect) you put in, you get more out. i try to keep my media diet fairly diverse (not just kids shows or serialized tv or classic books, but more of a combination of it all. it really forces me to like. have to break barriers in my mind, as well as like!! keeping audience and tone and all that in my mind while i read/watch/listen.

74. You’ve posted a fic anonymously. How would someone be able to guess that you’d written it?

it's hard for me to really place any of the hallmarks of my writing that are super super distinct but!! Time Things are my big tell. ive pretty much always been obsessed with time and like these days there isnt a fic im writing without a big Looking Back component to it. salt pillars and vonnegut and orpheus and lot's wife. iykyk <33

76. Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of hope is our four-letter word?

i actually do have an extras doc!! it has some yosano and dazai hurt/comfort that i tried v hard to fit into the fic but just didnt fit into the narrative i was telling. here's a snippet of that (usual warnings for dazai-typical suicide attempts):

It’s Yosano that finds him, shivering in the crimson water, watching the blood seep out from his arms.  Yosano opens the door, and she’s more calm than she usually is. She’s a good doctor, infinitely better than Mori, and she knows how much her usual bedside manner would send him spiraling. She eases him out of the water quietly, and gives him a towel.  “Dazai,” she says, stitching the cuts lining his arms. “It wouldn’t have killed me,” he says. “It just nicked a vein.”  She wipes the blood and water away and begins wrapping his usual bandages around his arms. There’s something cold and horrible in him, spreading from his stomach to his bones to every inch of his skin. He wants to rip it all apart, until that emptiness is torn bloody from the rest of him, and that thing, that pain made from scalpel edges and sharper smiles, with all its hooks and too-sweet whispers, to be burned from him, even if it means dying. Especially if it means dying.  Yosano scowls. “Not yet. Dazai…” She doesn’t call him by his first name, because the first time she tried that, when he was in high school and just out of court, he had run, hearing what he always heard at the sound of his first name. Yosano is smart; she learns quickly, and she had found him huddled on a roof and smiled crookedly, offering a hand. 

there was also a chuuya and dazai hurt/comfort scene, kind of loosely based off of the scene intimitopia wrote in the light that the fire would bring chapter 5 where dazai has a panic attack (unintentionally) triggered by poe describing a bloody scene. this is before chuuya and dazai are really close, but chuuya sees dazai leave the room and follows him to the bathroom "to give him back his bag". it was also just one of those scenes that didnt have a place in the final cut and kind of opened a plotline that distracted from the main ones. it also felt a bit too plagiarismy to nick the concept straight from someone else's fic, especially someone in the fandom that i really admire.

i also found this snippet in the extras doc, which i think?? i was going to end with but i couldnt find a natural way to put it in:

“It will get better,” Chuuya decides on, and even though it’s the truth, it’s a shitty truth. He knows how much he hated it when he was a teenager, his whole life in a bag as he traveled from house to house to home. He says it anyway, because there really isn’t anything else he can say, and even if it’s hackneyed, it’s something. “It won’t,” Dazai says predictably. “It doesn’t.” “I didn’t say good,” Chuuya says. “Maybe it’ll never be good. It happens. But it’ll get better.” Dazai sounds doubtful. “It’ll get worse, too.” “Yeah,” Chuuya says, and he reaches for Dazai’s hand, “but that’s when you hold onto the better moments.” Dazai’s hand is always cold, like a reptile, a snake that stayed out of its burrow in the winter and turned icy. Chuuya lets his body heat warm Dazai’s hand, lets it twitch back to something resembling life.  “This is a better moment,” Dazai whispers, and Chuuya isn’t sure if he even meant to say it. Chuuya squeezes Dazai’s hand. “It is.”

i never did get to writing it, and by design the fic doesnt include dazai's backstory. it's a combination of him not being in a place where he wants to tell it to anyone, chuuya not wanting to have to be the person to ask, and yosano and ranpo both knowing that it's not their story to tell. the basics are that dazai was carted around as a half-hostage half-protege of mori's through his childhood. mori was a fairly well known serial killer at the time, and, similar to canon, oda is in the crime world but starting to get out of it. he becomes a very bright spot in dazai's life, being the one person that cared about dazai (in a non-fucked up manipulative way). ango was undercover and ranpo was one of the detectives working the case to get dazai out and mori behind bars. they do eventually, but like canon, not without oda dying. yosano, having been under mori's control in a similar way some years ago, helps them find dazai and eventually legally adopts him. they have their growing pains, and dazai basically becomes a shut-in all throughout high school, but that gets him to where he is at the time of the fic.

i doooo have like. specific ages written down for all of these events somewhere (probably in a notebook) but i dont really remember where